After an affair

The phone lit up on the bedside table at 1.52. Shaila, 39, would never normally look. But it buzzed three times, and the name on the screen was saved as “Office Accounts”, and accounts do not send heart emojis. By 2.30 she had read eight months of messages, sitting on the cold floor of the guest bathroom in their Baridhara flat so that nobody would hear.

That was six weeks ago. Imtiaz has apologised, cried, deleted the number and offered to show her his phone whenever she likes. Her best friend, over cha at a cafe in Gulshan 2, has two opinions and offers both. “Leave him. Or make him buy you a flat. Actually, do both.”

Shaila laughs, and then cannot stop crying. She checks his location. She replays dates in her head: the Cox’s Bazar trip, Eid, their son’s prize-giving. She has lost five kilos and has not slept a full night since. Her mother says, “Men are like that, ma, think of the children.” Shaila does not know what she thinks, except that she wants her own mind back.

An illustration drawn from common experience. The people are invented; the pattern is not.

Understanding life after an affair

Finding out about an affair is, for many people, a shock in the full sense. It can bring intrusive images, checking, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, rage, and a sense that the past has been rewritten. For the partner who had the affair, guilt, shame and fear are common too. These reactions are understandable, and many ease with time. When they last for months, or turn into a depressive episode or an anxiety disorder, they need care in their own right. The decision about the marriage is the couple’s; the clinician’s job is to help both think clearly enough to make it.

How common it is

Reliable figures on how often affairs happen in Bangladesh are not available. What is known is how couples fare in therapy. In a German and Austrian community study, 145 couples who came to therapy because of infidelity started more distressed and with more depressive symptoms than 385 other couples, but kept improving through therapy and for six months after, by which point the two groups were statistically indistinguishable.

Signs worth noticing

• Sleep, appetite or weight that have not recovered after weeks
• Checking phones, locations or accounts for hours
• Intrusive images or replaying events that will not stop
• Depression, hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm
• Anger that is frightening either partner, or any violence

How care helps

A psychiatrist checks each partner’s mood, sleep and safety, and treats depression or anxiety where present. Couples therapy is the main approach for the relationship itself. In a meta-analysis of 33 randomised trials of distressed couples in general (2,730 participants, not only couples after an affair), behavioural couple therapy and emotionally focused couples therapy both improved relationship satisfaction, with medium effects after treatment; in the trials of behavioural couple therapy that measured it, the gains had faded by 12 months, so follow-up matters. Individual sessions help when one partner needs space first, or when the couple decides to separate.

What getting better can look like

Progress, for Shaila, might be a week without checking his phone, a first honest conversation with Imtiaz that does not end in shouting, and a decision, whatever it is, that she makes with a clear head and not at two in the morning.

Common questions about life after an affair

Can a marriage recover after an affair?

Many couples do improve. Couples who seek therapy after infidelity often start in more distress than other couples but can improve as much over time. Recovery often depends on honesty, an end to the affair, and patience from both partners.

Is it normal to feel traumatised after discovering infidelity?

Shock, intrusive thoughts, checking, poor sleep and loss of appetite are common after discovering an affair. They usually ease over weeks to months. If they persist, or you feel hopeless, a doctor can assess whether depression or anxiety needs treatment.

When to see a psychiatrist

If the discovery has left you unable to sleep, eat or function for weeks, or if anger at home is becoming dangerous, please seek help. If you are thinking of harming yourself, call 999.

Care here is personal: built around your history, your health and what you want to change, and reviewed with you as it goes.

Sources

• Atkins et al., Journal of Family Psychology, 2010 (PMID 20438197)
• Rathgeber et al., Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2019 (PMID 29781200)