Family and parenting

Every evening in the Mohammadpur flat ends the same way: the phone, the shouting, the slammed door. Nine-year-old Zayan’s mother teaches at a girls’ school and his father runs a pharmacy two streets away. They have tried taking the phone away, giving it back, a smack once, which they still feel sick about, and bribes. His grandmother says they are too soft. His teacher says he is bright but disruptive.

An illustration drawn from common experience. The people are invented; the pattern is not.

Understanding family and parenting

Families are systems: when one person struggles, everyone adjusts, and sometimes the adjustments keep the problem going. A child’s behaviour may be a response to tension between the adults, a sign of anxiety, ADHD or learning difficulties, or simply a pattern everyone has fallen into. Joint families, in-laws, migration for work and different ideas about discipline all add layers.

Signs worth noticing

• The same conflict repeating every day, with no one winning
• Harsh punishment that leaves everyone feeling worse
• A child who seems angry, withdrawn or anxious at home or at school
• Parents who disagree about how to respond, in front of the child

How care helps

Assessment looks at the child and at the family around them, and checks for conditions such as ADHD, anxiety or depression. Parental counselling and parent training give practical, tested strategies: clear routines, calm consequences, and attention for the behaviour you want to see more of. Family sessions help everyone hear each other. UK national guidelines recommend parent training for young children with ADHD, and for older children with ADHD who also have defiant or conduct problems.

What getting better can look like

In Zayan’s house, it might be an evening when the phone goes off at the agreed time, with a complaint but no slammed door, and his parents look at each other across the room.

Common questions about family and parenting

Is it all right to hit a child to discipline them?

Physical punishment is linked with worse outcomes for children, not better ones. In meta-analyses covering more than 160,000 children, spanking was linked with an increased risk of harmful outcomes for children, and its effects were similar to those of physical abuse. Parent training offers tested alternatives: clear routines, calm consequences and attention for the behaviour you want to see more of.

Can family therapy help with a child’s behaviour problems?

Often, yes. Assessment looks at the child and at the family around them, and checks for conditions such as ADHD, anxiety or depression. Parent training and family sessions give practical strategies and help everyone hear each other. UK national guidelines recommend parent training for young children with ADHD, and for older children with ADHD who also have defiant or conduct problems.

When to see a psychiatrist

If home has become a daily battle, or you are worried about your child, a family consultation is a good place to start. Parents can come on their own first.

Care here is personal: built around your history, your health and what you want to change, and reviewed with you as it goes.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.

Sources

• NICE guideline NG87, Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
• Gershoff and Grogan-Kaylor, Journal of Family Psychology, 2016 (PMID 27055181)